Free Essay Advice! (Part 1 of ??)

Upon reflection, I've realized it's (gasp!) the 21st semester I've worked with college writers.

Given ever-growing budget cuts and fee hikes at the university, it seems appropriate to give back to the community and share some of my advice pro bono. The wisdom herein is for any college writer regardless of skill level and is guaranteed to improve his/her work.

Here it is:

• Teachers can tell when you’ve screwed with font and formatting to reach the length requirement of a paper. It’s this advanced technology we have called “eyes.”

• Do not quote Forrest Gump as an introduction to your essay. Especially if it's not a paper about Forrest Gump.

• Do not pose your thesis as a question or an exclamation.  

• Have a thesis.

• No one is “trying to quash your creativity” by not accepting Lucida Calligraphy as an appropriate font.

• Do not buy an essay from a paper mill. Paying for a paper is like paying for sex. At the worst, you’ll be in a world of trouble; at the least, you’ll feel dirty and ashamed.

• There are better titles for your work than “Paper #2” or “English Essay.” Try to find one.

• You say you write better under pressure mere hours before the paper’s due? Maybe so. But a first draft is never a final draft.

• Spell and grammar check help not always.

• As with most crafts, don’t bother breaking the rules in the name of artistic license until you can demonstrate you know all the rules completely. You may spit in the face of convention when you are ready, grasshopper.

• Just know that your instructor is aware your backpack containing your laptop was not stolen from the library the day before the paper was due. (If we act like we buy it, it’s because we once made a similar excuse back in our day.)

• Do not print your final draft in magenta ink because you wanted to save your printer's remaining black ink for your lab report. (Related, do not share this information with your writing instructor.)

• It’s good to spell your instructor’s name correctly in your heading. 

• The thesaurus can be trouble. Use it gingerly, and make sure you aren’t using the iniquitous words.

• Wikipedia is wonderful for a great many things. The sole source of research in a research paper? Not one of those things. 

• Plagiarism happens. Inadvertent plagiarism happens. Both have the same consequences, so don’t do either.

• Give a shit. Or at least pretend to give a shit. I *promise*, it makes everything better for everybody!